Welcoming Our Shadow in Community
With One Another in Growth Areas
Practicing Community – Part Seven
In the last article, we explored mirroring in community through golden shadow work—reflecting back to one another the good and beautiful things we see in each other, many of which we don’t see in ourselves.
But it’s not all sunshine and roses, is it? We have clouds and thorns too.
We all have issues! Shortcomings and problems with ourselves and with one another. Every community that comes together will bump into this. Wherever there is light there is shadow.
Unhealthy communities will avoid the work of addressing it, usually through denial, control, bypassing, or projection. Though a community can also be unhealthy by over-focusing on all the problems and issues, trying to clean up everything and everyone to make it all spick-and-span. Trying to “fix” all the problems will only sterilize and sabotage the life of community.
Healthy communities will begin any shadow work from a place of radical acceptance. With knowing that we are beloved, appreciated, and accepted for who we are—warts and all. And that will be the case whether we grow or not. We are not out to change one another, to make them better. But we can, as we give one another permission, also help each other grow into greater awareness and healing together.
So how do we welcome our darker shadows in community? How do we hold the tension of imperfection and limitation that is always present, while also seeking to grow and heal together? What are healthy and appropriate practices of shadow work for a spiritual community?
Revisiting the Window of Self-Awareness
Returning to Johari’s Window, we all have areas that are known to us and unknown. How those intersect with what is known to others creates this general matrix of awareness.
Shadow work typically refers to the right side—that which we are unaware of. But when it comes to shadow in a community, the lower left pane is also a crucial place of necessary work. In fact, there is work to be done in our open areas as well. So let’s go through and consider some healthy practices and avenues for growth for each area.
Open Issues – The Courage to Face One Another
Sometimes everybody knows what the problem is. There isn’t any question about it, but no one is saying anything. Hopefully, in spiritual community people are most often acting in good faith, trying to do the best they can in the ways they know how. Starting from this place of assuming the good is always crucial for healthy trust in community.
But occasionally there is simply something that needs to be addressed. Everyone is aware of it, though it might not be seen as a problem by some of the parties involved. Avoiding open areas of problem and struggle out of deference or fear does not serve the community. When we see an issue, we honor one another by not ignoring or letting it simply pass by. We respect the other person, ourselves, and the whole community when we choose to face it openly in trusting relationship.
Many people don’t like confrontation. They have seen it done poorly or experienced it only making the problem worse when it isn’t received well. In the practice of community, we must be willing both to receive and give honest feedback and courageous naming.
On the rare occasions that we feel we need to “call out” or correct someone for their actions in community, we should first deeply question and discern if our perspective is loving and accurate, not simply self-assured in our rightness. If we then still feel that truth, we should do so privately first (preferably face-to-face), coming primarily from our heart rather than any judgmental evaluations or ought to’s. We also should go into the conversation willing to listen and willing to be wrong. We might say something like, "Here is how what you said or did makes me feel. I may be projecting or wrong, but for the sake of connecting with you I think I should bring this up so we can talk about it."
As that statement reflects, it’s important to do so with humble gentleness and to be careful that we are not projecting, which we’ll look at more directly below.
Our Hidden Thorns – Choosing Radical Honesty & Vulnerability
Whenever we hide something from others, we are showing up with less of ourselves. We are presenting versions of ourselves that do not reflect the wholeness of who we are. In a way, this is like stealing from the community because we are robbed of your authentic and vulnerable presence.
That’s not to say that we have to share everything about ourselves and all of our secrets with one another. Healthy community is not a spilling ground for self-divulging or premature exposure—which usually happens as a response to past wounding in this area.
Rather, we can choose to strive toward a radical honesty that is rooted. This means that it comes from the soil of what is present and what wishes to grow among us. If a situation or context arises in the community that beckons something from you that you haven’t shared before, we choose to respond with vulnerable trust and open authenticity.
At times, this may look like a form of confession, which is good for the soul. It may also just be a willingness to be present with areas of ourselves that we normally like to keep in the background, veiled behind our more primary faces we present. How ever this sort of sharing is called forth, we do it because we know it will benefit the community and our relationships together, while also recognizing it is leading us personally into showing up with more wholeness.
Blind Spots – Accepting & Giving Permission
We all have “blind spots.” Places we can’t see when we are driving our car forward. Areas where our own mirrors don’t quite reflect. As we welcome the gift of community, we are opening to these areas being seen by others.
This too requires vulnerability. The choice to be seen in ways that we don’t even recognize. It makes us feel good to receive golden shadow mirroring, but the reflections of our limitations, our weaknesses, and our areas for growth might sting a little.
So it’s crucial that we intentionally take the step to accept and welcome this sort of mirroring. Rarely can we receive this hard gift when we aren’t expecting it. We have to communicate our openness to receiving this sort of sharing from others, preferably before a situation arises in which it needs to be given.
Shadow we see in others usually should not be offered unsolicited. Any time that we approach areas of unawareness in another we are treading into waters with powerful undercurrents and riptides, and the “boat” or container of our community should be safe, sound, and full of love and encouragement. Otherwise we will see resistance and pushback, projection or denial, even if there is truth in what is shared. And shadowboxing fights rarely accomplish anything healthy.
The Mysterious Unknown – Being with Darkness
Even more powerful and sensitive are the depths of the ocean. The unknown areas that contain that which has sunk down deep. Shadow here can be areas of repression or deep wounding and are best not to be intentionally stirred up in most community settings. Shadow work in this area should be done primarily in professional settings with trained therapists or counselors.
The mysterious darkness is the ground of creation, the place where light and life can spring forth in emergence. But it is also the background of our anxieties, our doubts, our despair—and our trauma.
At times in deep community, things from this area will arise, and it’s vital that we do not overstep. We can hold these arisings in love and gentle seeing. Usually silence is best. Perhaps a brief word of affirmation—We see you. We love you. If something like this comes up in community, it is healthy to seek integration and healing in another setting that is designed and prepared for such support.
With growth in community and after deep bonds of intimacy and trust have been built, we can welcome the unknown in our spiritual practice by simply sitting together in it and holding it. In the Great Mystery is a fundamental ok-ness with all that we don’t know, with all that is imperfect and unhealed. All is well. And all manner of things shall be well.
Healthy Shadow Work Together
First and foremost, shadow work in this way is always something that must be given permission. As we feel safe and have trust in community together, we can intentionally and explicitly say that we welcome such work. If you are in a WeSpace group or community now, bring up that conversation. What are we willing to be and offer to each other? What am I open and willing to hear and receive?
A Mirror Requires Gentle Light
If we shine a bright spotlight into a mirror, we’ll only end up blinding everyone. Sometimes we want to blast the other with radiance that reveals all the truth we see—accurate or not—and just tell them how it is. But far more often than not, this will not be helpful. Most people won’t be able to receive such piercing light, even if it is offered in love. It’s too much to take in and defenses go up or they stagger away blinded and wounded.
In other words, don’t clobber anyone! Be aware of the effect your words and sharing will have on the receiver.
Shadow work is most often gradual. It takes time and requires integration. That which comes to the light of awareness is the first step. Then we do the work of receiving it and integrating that awareness into our bodies, our emotions, our energy, and our actions.
We will serve one another best when we are tender and patient with each other, while also being direct and honest.
Beware of Projection
Probably the biggest issue with mirroring for others is the problem of projection. We are not pure and clear mirrors ourselves, and so what we reflect and offer to others can be refracted through our own shadows and areas where we need healing and growth.
It’s always beneficial to look inward first, especially if we sense extra emotion in what we are seeing. Our triggers are most often signs of areas within us where we still need healing and growth. It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to fix in others that which we can’t see in ourselves, so we must always be cautious and aware of this propensity.
We can sometimes recognize projection in ourselves when we feel extra energy coming with what we are perceiving. This takes practice and discernment, which is another benefit of consciously sharing in a golden shadow practice like Integral Prayer. Here we can also find ourselves projecting but in less harmful ways. With more practice, we begin to recognize better that which is arising from our own issues and that which is arising in the light of truer awareness. It is helpful to accept that there will most always be some mix. It’s rarely completely pure, for again we often see in others that which we need to see in ourselves or have grown through in our past. This can give us understanding and humility, recognizing that we have been there—or may still be!
When we see projection or feel projected upon, we might even say, “I wonder if that might be more of a projection.” Though that takes us into the other person’s shadow areas when they might not be prepared to go there. It’s probably best in the moment to just release and let go of that which we experience as a projection, and then later we can go back and give feedback—we can mirror back to them with love and gentleness.
Any mirroring in shadow work should always be offered with the freedom to receive or reject and with the humility to truly accept that I may be wrong.
And when we mess up or make an honest or unconscious mistake, we can apologize. There is great power in directly saying “I’m sorry” with meaning and sincerity, owning our mistakes. And then on the other side receiving that apology fully—trusting the sincerity and assuming the good—without lingering resentment or holding ongoing judgments.
The Work of Loving Evolution
We begin from the ground of love and radical acceptance. This will keep us from moving into judgment and the energy of “fixing” which is anathema to healthy shadow work. It must be born out of healthy support in community.
With gentleness, discernment, and care we move into these practices together because they are transforming. Mirroring both healthy and unhealthy shadow has the potential to unveil greater awareness and capacity of consciousness in ourselves.
It is beyond what we usually consider the “comfort zone” of how we normally interact with others in community, especially in spiritual settings where we often like to stay in the light. We also like to be in control of what we know and accept about ourselves.
So this is not only a great and simple practice of ego subversion (on both sides) but also a spiritual movement into the greater truth and clarity of our being. Into the greater wholeness, which gives us a wider range of possibilities in our being. It frees us to move with evolution, which is toward more holistic and integrated consciousness.
“Then We Start Influencing Our Evolution” image from Stephanie Lepp
Practicing Community:
Using Johari’s Window, take up a practice of engaging with each quadrant in your spiritual community. This week we focus on growth areas for ourselves:
For the Open Area, is there something you need to confront someone about or an area you may be avoiding? With courage, take the step to bring it up and talk through it together.
For the Hidden Area, confess something you don’t want to share. Chose to do this because it will bring greater wholeness to the relationship and freedom to your own soul.
For the Blind Area, give permission to a few intimate companions to help you see what you are unaware of. Ask for what they see in you that may be an area for growth or give them the freedom to name in love when they see you operating out of your shadow in these ways.
For the Unknown Area, accept the beautiful mystery of darkness in our midst, and welcome all that is unknown and unresolved in ourselves and in the world. Sink down into the fundamental divine holding underneath and with it all.